or when frustration, happiness, excitement, dissatisfaction, madness,
confusion and indifference seep into her system. pushing every limit that is set by her home, by the society and by (unconsciously and sadly) herself. You're getting sexier just reading it...
6.09.2008
There must be something wrong with me, I don't want to go to Rodeo Drive... I asked a simple question, and I didn't expect the brutal honest truth that I got back...I mean doesn't he know when a girl asks, "Please be honest," we really mean, Please be honest, but sugar coat the truth, as not to hurt me? Come on, I fly 3000 miles to be with you, and all i get is, I don't know.....What the fuck does that mean?I thought we were on the same or similar path of....our phenomenal fantasy world was finally meeting or catching up to reality, but I guess...I am just on a path of self-discovery, his....
So as the spoiled brat that I am, I have always, and I mean Always, wanted to go to the shopping mecca of the stars, and here I sit, all melancholy (and the infinite sadness) not wanting to go. That's the plan for the day, and I am just wanting to crawl back in bed, my bed, and call it day.What is wrong with me? I am here with a great guy (who does have flaws, tons of them as it turns out) and I just want to be left alone.
I want to be with him, and have it be some sort of fairytale, and walk down the famed street and have him whisk me to, I don't know Tiffany's, Cartier, and do what every girl is longing to see their guy do, propose. And that sadly my friends, is not in my future with him. We want it, but life as we know it, wont permit such an act. We can both want it, and talk about it and even try to will it to fruition, but its not coming.
A very close knit(no friends with benefits either) friendship is all that is on the menu.
Why do I do this to myself, hope and long for something more, and then when it doesn't happen, or it doesn't go like the script in my head, I get all glum, and Lost?!?
Last time I was in the similar situation with him in New York, and I was so devastated, by what i wanted and what happened..I left early and came home...I am desperately trying not to go that route, but man is it hard.....Why do I set myself up to be disappointed?
The question you, ask.....
"Please be honest, but do you see a future with me?", "I don't know" was the reply.....Heart, dagger...you get the picture....Sigh...
| AbsolutJ |
12:14:00 PM |
6.07.2008
Another day in paradise...
So here I am blogging another day while in LA, and I'll tell ya, I am really liking the city and I am getting impressed..
Now clearly, it can just be that I am here with my soul mate, or I am really starting to like the place itself..Looking out from the balcony and seeing the Hollywood sign in the distance is surreal, and very special and spectacular for me the tourist, but I don't think I will ever not think its cool. Its almost like he just painted it there, or moved right here to this location to woo, me....Whatever it may be its working..
The weather has been spectacular, but I hear its pretty much like this all the time...60s, 70s...little humidity....Come one, if this isn't the ideal version of paradise, then I am not sure what is...and why on earth more people don't live out here. It could be the earthquakes (which thankfully I haven't been here for one...and I hope I never am), or the horrendous traffic (that i have heard about), that I have yet had to experience...
I maybe jumping the gun here, but thinking its this great paradise or bliss, with the semi-current situation of my love-life, but the fantasy world that we have both been living is coming to reality.I mean we talked for what seems like decades about what-if, and what-if is here, kinda. I mean in our perfect world, we are truly together; married, kids, the total package, location is irrelevant long as we are together, and here I am playing house. Married couple that have been married for years (not that I had great roles models for that) aren't as in sync as we are. Yesterday was laundry day, and it was fine going through the unmentionables, and putting everything in washer, dryer and folding. I mean its one thing to see it on the person, or then on the floor; ehmmmm, but its another to be doing the laundry, it makes it all more real, and normal.
We have never been the normal traditional couple, but then again who cares. I mean is anyone out there taking notes? Or is there really a right way and a wrong way to date, and fall in love? It's love and has been for years, seeming like even decades. Our souls are intertwined, and maybe have known each other for years in a past life. Maybe that's why we can be so content with it all. I know I have been in love before, and said he could be the one, I am not denying that, but I was always forcing the issue of a happily married life; but I have never once said I think I have truly found my soul mate, the true, One!
I did miss one thing in our love affair. The honeymoon phase of the courtship. I mean that's the bestest part, right? The constant need to be together all the time, the butterflies, the hand holding, the touching, holding, kissing, the getting to know every inch of you inside and out phase, and of course the canoodling.
That phase was interrupted, by Mike, err, was going on while Mike was in the picture. Mike was reaping the rewards, so to speak, while I was being courted. And then we declared our love for each other, and here we are.......
Can you ever get back to the honeymoon phase, and start it over again, or is it too late?
| AbsolutJ |
1:08:00 PM |
6.06.2008
In matters of the heart is it ok to sell yourself short for the bigger picture? I went with the world's greatest boyfriend to see Sex And the City last night (GREAT movie, worth the wait for sure!!!), while here in LA, and WOW...so many questions came flooding me.
Is it ever OK to forget the real you, when you are in a relationship?
When Sex first came on the air, what I found most appealing about it, was that I couldn't identify with one of the girls, but all of them. Let's be honest, there is a little of all of them in all of us. The label whore, they workaholic, the Sex addict, and of course the best one - the true believer of ever lasting fairy-tale kind of love.
So last night while watching the movie, I started really thinking about my own life, and love, and what to be made of all of it? Is it so wrong to want what they have in the movie, or is it so far fetched to get it?
I mean I am with a great guy that I love, and he loves me, but the idea of melding with someone, is exciting, and also terrifying. I find my head spinning and swirling, and wondering where am I , and where is he....When did we become one?
Samantha, has Smith Jared, and wow, and she is not happy, as she lost herself in the idea and actuality of being a couple. Miranda, finds love, and then is consumed by work, and almost looses the love of her life. Carrie, well her and Big, WOW..that one seems more like me and my guy; then all of them. But whats so wrong in wanting what Charlotte has, the complete fairytale?
I found that i am more afraid of doing things, that i normally would jump right on to do, now I am thinking of consequences.. What if I am thinking this, and he isn't...I am losing me. I have always been the type of gal, to make the move, and get what I want by any means that I can. Make the first move, take control..and now I am finding I just sit back, and if it happens fine, and if it doesn't then so be it, but I am not happy about it. I want it and I should take it, and run with it.
Where's the me anymore? The fun loving girl, who knew what she wanted and got it. I am not unhappy with it all, but want to reclaim me. Can I ever do that again? Should I be able to? Or is all this compliance, just part of being a couple?
Do you become a new you in a couple?
There is give and take in any and all relationships, as most adults know, or should! But is giving up you, part of the deal? I mean he did fall in love with you; i.e. the wild child, no holds-barred you! So why change and compromise you?
I find myself in complete uncharted waters here. I have been in love once before, but never like this. i have said that maybe he was the one, and now i know that he truly is! The butterflies in the tummy, the uncontrollable giggling and smiling by just hearing his name. And then talking to him or seeing him, look out, I just grin from ear to ear and melt into him. This is nothing like i have ever felt before, and i know that I will never find this again, nor do I want to look for it any place else, its him or no one for me!!!
So we do things slightly unconventionally, we are surely like no one else, but why compare. If you know you have something good, or spectacular why compare? I did that for oh, too long, and it almost cost me my guy. The stupidity of me comparing what I have, to that of an infantile lust of others, is actually no comparison at all. I have the real thing. Always have had it, and almost took it for granted and lost it all.
So what if we aren't the big PDA kind of couple, why do we have to do all that in front of others to prove something. Long as everything else is on a level playing field, its all that matters. What happens behind close doors with you and your lover, is supposed to just be between the two of you. The days of revealing all to anyone that is in an earshot, are long gone, I think that's fine when its real true love. Somethings are better left unsaid, and should be kept private.
WOW, had this trip been eye opening and a very large self-discovery which i had not planned, but one that is welcomed.
More to come, many more days of my trip left to go.....G-D I think I am falling in love with LA.....
| AbsolutJ |
2:07:00 PM |
4.27.2008
oh what a tangled web we weave....
So its been almost a year since my last confession, but I didnt know what to say or how to say it. I know the purpose of a blog, is to pour your heart out to complete strangers and sit back and wait for conversation, but there were people in my life that i didnt want privy to things.
Now before you say that's childish and juevinille, it is, but i had to clear my head and rid my life of those that could make my life miserable.
It was a hard thing to do, as I had alot going on, but in the end i needed to get my life, head, heart, and conscience clear. When u end a lifelong friendship with your "lifeline" best friend, and confidant, it hurts, i dont recomend it unless u have you, and i had to!
He became like a cancer in me just eating away at me, and festering. It just was time to cleanse myself, and I did.
And very selfishly I didnt want to talk to anyone about it, I just was "dealing" on my own. I still cant believe i am on my own, without my bestfriend. Its hard, but ok...
It was a long time coming, for over a year to be exact, and i just kept letting little things bother me, but no confronting him about it. My wonderful boyfriend kept reminding about, what a great guy he was and think about what makes him my best friend over all.
The beginning of the end....... was on his birthday.
You would have thought he was the only one in the free world to ever throw himself a b-day party, but to make matters worse he didn't want to have balloons, or a cake...what kind of b-day party would that have been. All I kept hearing about was how great his bar was going to be, blah, blah, blah.... BAR? What bar? he doesnt have one we used his kitchen counters.....What a GREAT bar....Signs you are a cheap skate, and never entertain boys and girls, bragging to everyone as they came in...WOW, LOOK AT MY GREAT bar(tacky to the extreme, what GAY man does that?)
more laters.........
| AbsolutJ |
2:17:00 PM |
8.06.2007
A night to remember
Well the day/night with the Panther's has come and gone, and i am still thinking it was all just in my mind. It was awesome and surreal to say the least. All the guys that I wanted to see were there, except Radek, Martin Straka, and Robert Svehla. They bailed out at the last minute, or so I was told. The only other disappointment of the day was that my main squeeze couldn't make it...sniffle.....Family stuffs came first.
So like I said I was bummed that my man couldn't make it, but my mom was more than happy to come in his place, and a male friend(that shall remain nameless). Hey a girl has to keep her options open.
So I was up bright and early that day and all ready to see Radek, and Beezer, and the rest of the guys. So we got up there as early as we could without having to stand and wait outside in 90+ degree weather, wearing hockey jersey's no less. Well except for me, I chose to look cute! I mean how weird was it to be going to to a hockey name in July in 90 degree weather. So we went in to find our seats and something to drink, and there they were all the guys signing autographs behind little tables with name plates so you knew who they were.
Some of the guys could be recognized so easily it was like time had not even moved. And others looked like time went into overdrive. Beezer, Screwy,Gord Murphy, Paul Laus, and even Doug Maclean and Bill Lindsay were the ones that time was kind to, Tommy Fitzgerald, I wasnt sure who he was even after I saw him, heard him and read his name tag. What the fuck happened there? Shaved head, and alll YIKEs...and then there was Jesse Belanger, I havent seen him in like 13 years. He looked familiar, but I couldn't place it at first, then as we talked BAM there was the jesse I knew and saw every night for G-D knows how many years.
Wow the guys were back in town! How cool was this? So it was the 96 year of the rat panthers against the Florida Panthers Alumni. Well that last part isnt totally true. Like for instance we had little Beezer, playing for that team, John's son, and then there was little Screwy, Brian's son playing against his dad... Peter Worrell was there(I never cared for him) Mike Dipasquale - who may have been a goalie at some point in his life, but never for the Florida Panthers. And same went for Denis Potvin - he retired many many moons before the Panthers were even a twinkle in Wayne Huizengas eyes.
Other than all this it was a great day,but even a better after party. I mean I did pay the extra money for the honor of seeing the guys and drinking and hanging out with them after the fact, now that was fun. I mean drinking with the guys, come on this is a dream come true. See I began hanging out with the players, but not the Panthers. So this was really freaky and fun. We relived the good times and never even mentioned the bad ones. Mom was in at much glory about this as i was. The guys saw her and stopped what they were doing and came over to see her. It was mad crazy and crowded, so it was hard for her to get through it all in her wheelchair. but she managed.
I got a slight scolding from beezer about my tattoo, but when I explained it he seemed "better" with it. Gord and I talked about Eric Clapton and everything else, and he promised they were going to have to do this again real soon and not wait another 10 years. I had a long extensive chat with Dave Lowry, which was a pleasant surprise. In the years that he was with the Panthers I barely said a word to "Pie". Playing catch up with them was fun. The only one that I wanted to talk to and I couldn't catch up with was Ed Jovanovski. He was quite popular that evening.
But all is not lost, as they roped me into a great deal for a mini season ticket plan. Well I mean me and the boyfriend were thinking about getting them, and I thought, why not. I mean I got us great seats, and its only 13 games. So I get to see Jovo when he comes to town again, and Straka(Ha thats a laugh). More importantly I get to see all the games i want and root for the other teams to boot. But I still may cheer a bit when I see Radek score a goal or two.
more on the panthers reunion game laters....
| AbsolutJ |
10:29:00 PM |
7.05.2007
So its been awhile, but I am back in style...giggle...
I have been a very busy girl, and slightly naughty...Well I am on 2 new computers well gone through is more like it WINDOWS VISTA SUCKS! My old pc died a very painful death so I was forced to buy a new one and of course it has to be VISTA so I had one from HP, custom built so I wouldn't outgrow it, but that wasn't the case at all...I did that in less than a week...so back to HP it went and a new one was soon on its way to me. Yeah that too went back 2 pcs gone in less than 21 days.... Yikes, that has to be some sort of record. So off to the mall I went to get a Mac Pro...I found out from one of the many yahoo groups that I belong to that a Mac Pro can run windows XP....Praise the Lord.....I have seen G-D. I am still having to get used to the Mac, but man it is sweet. I have installed XP, but I haven't used it yet. yeah how glamorous has this been...giggle...
So on to the love life. Well it has had it ups and downs with the same guy, but it is love. And I have seen just how in love he is with me....I was looking for something in his phone, when I couldn't find my name....freaking out I was like where am I ...and he found my "name" and was like here...well my name wasn't there....but LOML - I was what is that, and blushing replied, Love of my life...sigh.....i was melting inside...I mean how sweet was that?Intimate wise we are moving much slower than I have since I was in like Jr. high, but he loves me...so that should count for something...
And no he isn't cheating, we are with each other all the time...there is no time to. Giggle...I would like a little something more tangible to keep me warm at night besides my thoughts and devices(Wink, Wink, Nod, Nod)... And we know how naughty they can be.
So we caught a sneak preview of Transformers a night before it opened..and WOW...It was the most amazing thing I have seen in a long time. Leave to Spielberg, and Michael Bay...WOW....its a must see.. I don't think with all the effects the movie had that it lost a thing or can be beat come award time....But wow....When was the last time we saw a movie like win shit...
I am now counting down the days till the Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix movie to come out. Of course I am going to see it at Midnight with a bunch of friends....i have to I have never missed doing that, except for the first one - which had no hype at all.......This is going to the best one so far...and then just a few days later the last book comes out Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Wow...this is Harry Potter month or what? Its going to be sad to see it all come to end with last book. And I am sure that means more hype with the final movies to come out in the future. And now with a theme park slated to open in Orlando Fl....WOW...I mean its got to have all the "local" harry spots...right...Like the leaky Cauldron, and Hogwarts, and diagon alley and many more places..I cant wait...its going to be awesome. I don't care how old I am, I admit that I am a dork about things like this...giggle..
I had some great news at the latter part of last month. That the 1996 Year of the Rat Panthers were going to reunite for a one time only game for charity here in South Florida at the end of this month. Yes I am a Penguin fan, but at one time I was a Panther fan, and i am not ashamed to admit it. So I was thrilled to see this and see my guys again, Beezer, Skrewie, Robbie(straight from a Stanley cup win - pinch me I am dreaming), as well as my Fave former Panther Radek Dvorak. WOW....can it be true. And they are going to have a meet and greet with them...WOW...Come on....I was crying for joy...I can finally get my Czech jersey signed and say thanks to the beezer for all the great times....So I called up my main squeeze and asked him how much he loved me, he replied,"I love you, but how much is it going to cost me?" Boy does he know me well..giggle...Well I am more than happy to pay for this event trust me...so we are going to naturally...giggle...like that was stretch. But he must be the one I am letting him where no other guy has gone before... Yeah, I have gone to games with Mike..and Ron and I have gone before, but its Radek. He and I had a special and unique bond way back when, and carried it over after he was gone and was a New York Ranger where he stopped what he was doing when he saw me. Last I saw him was 2001, at the Olympics in Salt Lake City. Where he saw me, but I never got to talk to him, that pleasure was left for Robert Lang and Jaromir Jagr, hence why I need to see him to get my Czech jersey signed. Well one of the reasons at least...giggle...
Well while was/am riding high about this excitement...and I was surfing the NHL.com website I was trying to see when Radek's team the St. Louis Blues was coming to South Florida, and he wasn't there, so naturally I freaked out. On further examination of the NHL website, I saw an article on Dvorak. I was intrigued, so I read on. Well turns out that Radek is back in south Florida, he is a Florida Panther....AGAIN! Yay....I can't contain my excitement. I mean I am not going to go to such great lengths to be a Panther fan again, but always and forever a Dvorak fan. Yeah so I may get a new Dvorak jersey, but I am not sure...... But i am happy...
So, it looks as though I am going to be getting my tattoo(s) this weekend. The one on my left wrist of Kenny's drawing with a K in the heart and maybe a heart on my right ankle on the inside of it. The latter part I am not quite sure of, but the heart with the k for sure. I'll keep you posted.
I'll see you on the flip, my meds for my fractured foot is kicking in.
| AbsolutJ |
10:58:00 PM |
4.14.2007
where for art thou?
i have been a naughty naughty girl with very naughty thoughts....Want to know about what and with whom, and if I acted upon any of them....HA.....Do I seem like the type to kiss and tell.... Well maybe, but still...I mean we barely know each other.....right? So let's set that right and play let's get to know my viewers..I mean I do have viewers right?
Well let's see I am a Straight Female...that LOVEs watching porn, especially the Girl on Girl scenes...And I am not afraid to say that I love watching it and get off on it too...Does that make me Bi? Or Bi-curious as they call it? I mean I am not acting upon it, I wouldn't know where to begin, I mean it wasn't till Mike that I finally went down on a guy, and WOW, what I was missing..I get all wet just thinking about that..not him or his cock, but giving a BJ.....YUM YUM YUM...so if it took me that long in my sexcapades to do that I cannot begin to think about ever going down on a girl...but down on me.....hmmm.....would I have to return the favor?...
But then again as my dear friend T says, "girl's are only 10 tequilla shots away from some hot girl on girl action!" There is that lethal Brasilian drink that gets me so fucked up that G-D only knows what I am capable of doing, or who for that matter.. I mean I was sp drunk that one time with Mary, and Mike that I could have done it, but I wouldn't know how to start it, or anything like that. And I am pretty sure my new guy is not going to be that adventerous to do it...so let's put those ideas on the back burner...for now..
Now where was I...Oh yeah straight gal....sometimes - happily dating a great guy...let's face it, guys u can be unpredictable, and asses sometimes to make us unhappy so that's where the sometimes comes into play. I love sunbathing, shopping, going to the gym, concerts, and especially my Pittsburgh Penguins. Let's see I also love my 2 great pups, Harry D, and Winnie ( I have my very own Harry Winston)..and my cat Maxx...and my 6 turtles... I am taking some cooking classes to pass the time, and I love to do it....I can cook and bake with the best of the them.
Wow...It seems like there isn't that much too me...giggle..I mean there has to be...Sex, men, shopping and the gym cannot be all that i am about. Oh I love movies, and reading....Reading a great one now - Skinny Bitch! its hysterical...A must read for all females that think there friends are their friends....I recently took up gardening and my yard is looking F A B U L O U S !!! ALL green, and flowers are blooming...and the waterfall is going I really have a shangrila out there, and it was all me, and my doing. I am growing strawberries, and bluberries, and hydrangeas, and 2 types of lilies! All the birds are checking out my backyard... giggle...
Well I think that's it about me, or all I can think of at this time..But I am an open book if anyone ever wants to know anything about me, just ask....
Well I am off like a prom dress.....time to dream about you......
| AbsolutJ |
12:51:00 AM |
